Question: From the beginning, I have been completely unable to fit in with the devotees. The major issue seems to be my lack of faith or confidence in the process, and the devotees do not seem to tolerate that. For the most part at the nama-hatta, nobody speaks to me at all, and if they do, it is usually in a patronizing, condescending tone.
The things I cannot relate to are:
- The confidence with which the devotees speak about Krishna and the devotional process;
- The clothing;
- The expectation that I am supposed to unconditionally trust and believe everyone who is senior/superior to me, in every matter;
- The seemingly double standards, such as talking about the importance of ecology, but eating from disposable plastic plates.
I have soon realized that some of my philosophical questions (such as “How do we know we have free will?”) were not appropriate to ask at the nama-hatta. I have tried to just remain silent, “go along with the program” and not think about the things that actually interest me, but that stress is not easy to bear. I have stopped going to nama-hatta meetings once it came so far that I seriously started to consider to take some pain medications (they make me cheerfully numb) before going there, so as to help me sit through the ordeal. But I thought that if it is so bad, I better not go there at all. I have also sought help on the internet, and received mixed responses. Some of them very negative (some devotees told me that I have “no faith”, that I am “cut to a pattern”, that what I say is “very dry”, that I have a “difficult psychology”). Some even said that perhaps I should look elsewhere, outside of ISKCON and outside of Vaishnavism.
A Hindu devotee told me flat out that I should leave Krishna consciousness if I have no interest in Indian culture (I have no interest in specific in Indian cuisine, clothing, language, etc.).
It seems to me that nama-hatta meetings are only for people who have already somehow decided and determined, on their own accord, without the help of the devotees, that the path of Krishna consciousness is what they want to do in life, and who are also already reasonably sure that Krishna is the Supreme Personality of Godhead – for people who do not have any major philosophical doubts anymore. I have the impression that people like myself are just too much at the beginning to fit in. Among the devotees, I feel like a preschooler among college students. I understand people are uncomfortable around me. But what am I to do? Where is my place in Krishna consciousness, if at all?
Answer by Romapada Swami:
Allow me to first of all thank you for opening your heart in such a sincere and straightforward manner. Let me assure you that such opening of heart and asking questions for the purpose of clearing of doubts is very much recommended and even an essential part of bhakti yoga. Faith is an essential part, too — but faith is NOT blind belief nor ‘gritting one’s teeth’ and going through the motions. Unquestioning faith in Krishna and in spiritual authorities is indeed a great virtue — but this cannot be artificially or prematurely imitated; it comes as a natural consequence of mature transcendental knowledge.
You too will eventually come to that point unflinching faith if you diligently practice Krishna consciousness – not because it is demanded of you but because you yourself are convinced of the Truth. There is, however, no expectation that you should exhibit an unquestioning, mindless faith at the outset, nor is it even spiritually healthy. Faith grows when you act in knowledge. If you have faith in one bona fide spiritual principle, continue to act on that one principle faithfully; from that you will get realizations of those things which are not yet clear to you. Indeed, permit me to commend you for your persistent adherance to this path of Absolute Truth, inspite of so many obstacles and difficulties. Through this you have amply demonstrated your preliminary faith and sincerity.
The only caution is to maintain a humble and submissive spirit of inquiry and an open mind, rather than a challenging or skeptic attitude which will block you from seeing the truth. While asking questions is not discouraged, how you ask them and to whom are also important considerations. Knowledge of the basic tenets can be more readily acquired through a forum such as the internet. But when it comes to solving deeper doubts in your heart and personal issues, it is important to carefully choose to place them before mature and advanced devotees — those who are capable of understanding your nature and addressing your heart and with whom you feel comfortable to establish a relationship of love and trust. Spiritual inquiries are most fruitful on the platform of such a trusting relationship. It is not the teaching of Krishna consciousness that one must unquestioningly believe or follow every senior member in every matter.
You should show respect to them (as devotees who are dear to Krishna), you can defer to them in common dealings, but when it comes to following or accepting counsel, carefully choose those whom you place such trust in — the choice being not whimsical but based on spiritual considerations. I will address this point on devotee relationships in more detail later. But do not feel discouraged by your difficulties in relating to other devotees, for which your earlier experiences in life may very well be contributing factors. And do not compare yourself with others who may have gone through a very different trajectory. Trust that as you become strongly connected in your relationship with God, your relationship with His parts and parcels will gradually sort themselves out and these difficulties will dissolve.
Also please do not become discouraged if all your questions are not immediately resolved. Krishna may be preparing you through these various experiences in life before you are ready for the answers. Similarly, the apparent contradictions you may sometimes perceive in the philosophy or in some of the practices of devotees may also become resolved when you get a deeper grasp of the principles. So, continue to practice those aspects of Krishna Consciousness that you do have conviction in and exercise patience. By the words patience and conviction, I am not indicating grit your teeth and believe. Rather, go forward positively, take one step at a time, with the confidence that “These teachings are very deep for me to fully understand everything at once, but with every step I can perceive and experience more truth in it.”
You have an understanding of the basics of bhakti yoga and the process of devotional service — beginning with Hearing from pure devotees, Chanting the Holy Name and so on. You like studying scriptures, you like hearing about Krishna and chanting. I would suggest that you continue to FOCUS on this essence and go deeper and deeper into your devotional connection with the Lord in your heart. The other aspects of Krishna consciousness – such as the dress, cuisine, protocols etc — all have their own spiritual significance and are not unimportant — but they are not all-important. Let them not distract you from the core principles.
