Q. From the beginning on, I have been completely unable to fit in with the devotees. The major issue seems to be my lack of faith or confidence in the process, and the devotees do not seem to tolerate that. For the most part at the nama-hatta, nobody speaks to me at all, and if they do, it is usually in a patronizing, condescending tone. Unless I initiate a conversation, barely anyone ever talks to me. I therefore feel like I am merely an impostor and that they would rather see I wouldn’t be there at all.
I have also felt quite hurt that two devotees offered and promised me things, but have not delivered them. I was silent at first, I thought that as a junior/inferior, it would be offensive if I reminded them. I tried to just grit my teeth and bear it and to continue to trust them and respect them all the same, but after a year, I actually told one of them, after she came to me on a public bus, that I wasn’t comfortable talking to her because of her unkept promise. She said she was sorry but that I should understand that she has other obligations. (The promised thing was a picture of Srila Prabhupada.)
(Once at the nama-hatta) a senior devotee spoke about ecology. When he made a pause, I wanted to say something, at which point he looked at me fiercely, slammed down with a chair and continued talking, very loudly and fiercely. I am afraid to go there, this man looks quite aggressive to me, and I am uncomfortable to be around him. I have attempted to discuss things with the brahmacari who leads the nama-hatta, and he even said I should talk to him, but when I do, he seems rather unwilling, and keeps saying that it is up to me to decide, up to my free will. To me, it doesn’t seem so simple at all.
I cannot relate to the confidence with which the devotees speak about Krishna and the devotional process; and the seemingly double standards, such as talking about the importance of ecology, but eating from disposable plastic plates.
I have soon realized that my questions (mostly of philosophical nature, such as “How do we know we have free will?”) were not appropriate to ask at the nama-hatta. I have tried to just remain silent, “go along with the program” and not think about the things that actually interest me, but that stress is not easy to bear. I have stopped going to nama-hatta meetings.
I often wear my japa bag and chant on beads when I walk through town or on the bus. If in the street I meet devotees whom I know from the nama-hatta, or others, then what should I do, how should I think of myself, given that I am not actually one of them?
Some told me I should try another group. To visit other nama-hattas, I would have to move to another part of the country or to another country, which is financially not possible for me. I am also not sure it would help much, given the nature of my problems. I suspect I would still feel out of place, no matter what group of devotees I would go to. I have no hope anymore that I will get along with devotees or become accepted by them, any group, anywhere. The gap between myself and them just seems too big to overcome in this lifetime. I understand people are uncomfortable around me. But what am I to do? Where is my place in Krishna consciousness, if at all?
If I do try to remain on this path, but apart from the devotees, how should I think of myself? How should I explain to myself that even though I am reading the same scriptures, chanting the same mantra, aspiring to keep the same regulative principles, yet I am still worlds apart from them?
I hope my questions are appropriate. I hope you will help me.
Answer by Romapada Swami:
Regarding finding your place among devotees:
Rather than focusing on the many differences, try to identify with the devotees based on the common grounds. Whatever the superficial differences are, the essence of your spiritual life is the same as theirs — you have the same goal and the same process. Often other things are superfluous — just as the barrier of differences in race, nationality, language and culture between two persons can be overcome, so can differences in mentality be overcome when both persons actually come to the higher, spiritual platform.
Begin by nurturing feelings of identity in your heart with the devotees. Rather than feeling worlds apart from them, invest your consciousness on how although so very different from you, they still have the same objective and core convictions! Whatever we invest our thoughts upon become magnified. If we invest consciousness in our problems, the problems seem to grow ever bigger, but if we turn our attention to the remedy, the problems fade away. So pay less attention and even deliberately overlook in this stage the differences and faults in others. Focus on all that is good and worthy and pleasing, and you will soon start finding more and more of them.
Regarding your being unable to relate to certain devotees:
Association of devotees is indeed extremely important, but it is equally important to have proper association of the kind that strengthens your faith and devotion. As one matures in Krishna consciousness, one learns how to interact with all types and grades of devotees. But in the initial stages one may not be so expert and could become confused, or weakened, or fail to understand how to properly interact/benefit from/help another devotee. Note that this could be equally true for you as well as some for the devotees you interact with. So you should carefully choose those devotees whom you want to interact with closely, without of course minimizing or disrespecting other Vaishnavas.
It is very nice of you to think of yourself as a preschooler in devotion to God — this humble attitude is very pleasing to Krishna. Likewise, it is possible that other devotees also are in different learning stages albeit apparently more evolved and more at home in certain aspects of bhakti yoga, possibly even due to past life’s contact with this process. And yet they may not have the realization how to best serve someone with a completely different background and outlook. Therefore, when devotees seem unable to understand you or relate to your needs, allow them the benefit of doubt. You can maintain cordial and respectful dealings with them without attempting close interactions.
Regarding seeming transgression or mistake in a devotee and your sometimes feeling hurt by them:
Try to forgive others with a broad heart.
Forgiveness is a very important spiritual quality and is very pleasing to God — try to cultivate this quality as a part of your spiritual practice. As a rule, forgive those whom you feel any resentment towards, just as much as you would wish to be forgiven for your ignorant or unintentional transgressions and just as the Supreme Lord is always forgiving all of us for our misdeeds. By so doing, you will find your spiritual life become so much easier and smoother.
Also, instead of artificially trying to restrain yourself and allowing feelings of resentment to build inside, go to the devotee and state to them your needs/ difficulty in a simple manner, politely and humbly remind them of their commitment in case they might have just forgotten it by mistake and so on, and in most cases you will find things can be resolved by a simple exchange.
You write that you find difficulty in understanding the confidence of devotees. The confidence of a devotee, when properly established, is the confidence in Krishna, not in himself/herself. They are not thinking themselves to be perfect beyond human flaws and mistakes. But they are convinced about Krishna and the process of attaining Him — not on the strength of their own intelligence but on the basis of authority of scriptures and saintly persons. On this basis they have justified faith that by following this authorized process they can become perfect. Krishna consciousness is not a man-made philosophy. The Supreme Lord Himself has given us through Vedic literatures the ideal principles and standards of perfection in all aspects of life. Devotees strive for that perfection, and they speak about these ideal instructions for their own purification and inspiration, although not necessarily have they attained these perfectional stages yet.
This is not necessarily double standard — it could be compared to children repeating their parent’s instructions to each other — even though they sometimes fail to execute them, but even their faithful repetition and remembrance is highly beneficial and desirable.
When people initially come in contact with devotees, it is often seen that they have certain expectations or ideas of perfection of what devotees should be. And they become disappointed when their expectations don’t match current reality. If however you accept the devotees for what they are, and appreciate that they too are striving towards the ideal standards according to their capacity, you will not feel disillusioned.
Srila Prabhupada taught that each of us should cultivate a mood of service rather than finding faults in others. If someone acts wrongly, and we become disturbed by it, that discloses our own flaw. We should instead think in what way we can positively contribute to the situation and to the community, so that these wonderful timeless teachings of the Lord are exemplified for the benefit of all. Of course, one should not proudly think, “I will show them how to act! I will correct them!” Instead, if in a humble mood we follow the teachings of Krishna according to our capacity, then even being a newcomer, we can serve as an inspiring example for everyone.
I would also suggest that when you get the opportunity for association, just try to be in a selfless service mood. Keep your interactions simple. Avoid entering into long conversations or debates with persons whom you have not formed a relationship with. Rather than attempting to address your philosophical issues with random devotees, try to cultivate a loving relationship with just one or two qualified devotees whom you are somewhat comfortable with. Try to base that relationship also on service. Service can be very simple — serving prasadam, offering water, giving some gift to the devotee without any expectation of reciprocation from them, even offering some genuine words of appreciation. Even just thinking appreciatively about a devotee can be a form of service. These are the principles of loving association taught by Rupa Goswami (in Nectar of Instruction Text 4), and they are very potent for developing loving relationships and progressing in bhakti.
Do these exchanges with devotees simply because you appreciate them as being very dear to the Lord, and without expecting anything out of it, not even the expectation of being accepted by others. This practice will be
(1) very pleasing to Krishna and will attract His mercy;
(2) in time, it will make your relationship with devotees pleasant and conducive for deeper meaningful exchanges
(3) it will soften your own heart and make it more and more receptive to loving exchanges that transcend superficial differences.
You will find that it is much easier to discuss and clarify your doubts and deeper spiritual questions in the background of such loving relationship rather than by tedious philosophical dialogues.
Furthermore, the most important association for all devotees should be with the person offering us these teachings, the perfected pure devotee — i.e. Srila Prabhupada — whom you can directly associate with through his books and recordings.
You should also seek out the association of a pure representative of Srila Prabhupada, an advanced pure devotee who can guide you. But until such time that you get such association by the mercy of Krishna, see other devotees in the light of Prabhupada’s teachings. See them as examples who reinforce the practice of these teachings rather than as perfect role models or ideal guides, and look to Prabhupada’s teachings to learn how to associate with and serve them.
You may not always find it simple or easy but if you practice these principles of loving exchanges with patience, persistence and with the motive of pleasing Krishna, without being disheartened by the initial failures and reverses, you will certainly be rewarded with success and overcome difficulties in devotee relationships.
