Question: I have a concern about my attitude with my family these days. I have been arguing about almost everything and it is really hard for me to control. Half the problem is solved because I realized that the reason I can even talk back to them is because I don’t have respect for them in my heart. The other half is I don’t know how to develop the respect again for them.
What should I do?
Answer by Romapada Swami: You are half way to reaching a solution already! A major part of any interpersonal conflict is recognizing our own contribution to that conflict. The position of an aspiring young spiritualist is to immediately look within, whenever there is something that makes us uncomfortable in our interactions with others. Try first to see where there may be impurity within ourselves that is prompting an unpleasant dynamic within our exchanges.
Applying this spiritual advice is sometimes most difficult when interacting with those closest to us! This is due to the ‘Familiarity Principle’, where respect is diminished due to misapplied familiarity.
You are looking for a solution: how to regain respect for family members that has been lost. Here are some suggestions.
1. One approach could be to turn the table around: consciously + deliberately act towards your family members in such a way that they will respect *YOU*.
HINT: Based on what you described above, your behavior and attitude of constant arguing is likely provoking your family members. Consequently, their respect for you may very well have diminished.
If, however, your family sees you shifting to a different position, wherein you are acting with dignity and vaisnava decorum — naturally they will communicate with you differently, both verbally and non verbally.
2. Another approach could be for you to daily enter into your private journal one appreciation daily for each of your family members, or at least one of them. “What do my family members do as a gesture of sacrifice and love for me? What kindness do they extend to me? What are ways in which I am indebted to + should feel gratitude for what they mean in my life?” Do this privately, but invest some time/thought into this exercise. Do it sincerely.
Then, you might go one step further: privately, quietly, do one thing in the course of each day that is an inner expression of your gratitude towards them for their sacrifices and kindness. [Do not meditate on how they may imperfectly do those things; instead, look to the purpose behind the sacrifice they make for you and/or for others.]
Finally, you can eventually directly express your gratitude!
3. How about this: invest some discretionary time in distributing Srila Prabhupada’s books with other devotees. Guaranteed, your qualities of humility and compassion for others will greatly increase by distribution of books. Then too, when you are back at home, you will appreciate even more the good fortune you have to be living in a devotee family! I guarantee it!
There are additional approaches, but you might try these for now.
